Tuesday, March 31, 2015

I ❤️ Colonoscopies

I put off updating this blog to explain the next link in the chain after completing the lab tests my doctor wanted me to do. I didn't know it at the time, but this was the point where my health and well being really took off on an unexpected trajectory.  If I could go back and do things over, I would choose this point.  But, that's the thing about linear time, there's no moving backwards.

This was April 2014.  Have you ever been standing at your kitchen counter sifting through the days mail of mortgage statements and junk mail, only to open a letter from your Gastroenterologist telling you that there might be a real big problem with you and he's narrowed it down to like three really horrible scenarios and hey, like why don't you just come on down for this thing called a colonoscopy?  No! I'm pretty sure no one's ever been invited to their colonoscopy like this, if you have please let me know so that my faith in physicians can be somewhat restored.  Another god damn letter...

I sat on this letter for a couple days.  I had a general idea of what a colonoscopy was, but I don't do them every day so I wasn't about to just call up and blindly sign up for some unknown procedure.  Quite frankly, I was a bit irritated.  I see the word colon, and its one of those high alert terms, so I'm already not liking the idea!  Finally I call his office.  His scheduler Amy, who is completely unexcited about her job answers the phone.  The conversation went like this, "Yeah Hi! Uh, I got a letter in the mail telling me to schedule a colonoscopy?"
"Oh, did you want to schedule it?"
"Not really, Amy.  I don't know anything about a colonoscopy, so I'm not too super on-board with this idea." 
"Um. Well. Um. Let me ask him. He's actually standing right here, let me just ask him."
He's at the reception desk? Is he answering phones now? Finally putting his time to some good use...Then I realized I called at the worst possible time! What if this guy got on the phone with me!What the hell was I calling for! I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to schedule this thing!  Could I hang up now and pretend like I had never called?  Just as my panic about this colonoscopy peaked, she came back on the line. 
"Ok, he says to schedule you for a consult appointment. The next available appointment is in 6 weeks."

Six weeks? Hope any one of those three really horrible sounding scenarios aren't on too much of a timeline.  Whatever! Obviously not the highlight of my day to inquire about this procedure, but this Bo is standing right there and could have just taken a patients phone call and answered a question.  Wait six weeks to put my mind at ease.  Perfect. Maybe he could just write me a letter explaining the procedure.  But I knew Amy would not understand my sarcasm, so I scheduled the appointment.  Another damn appointment. 

Jumping ahead to present day. There's a potluck at work.  I made a gluten free dish. I want to go and participate, but I know I can't eat anything. I hate that awkward moment when you have to explain to someone why you can't eat a dish, or that doubtful look you get when they challenge you, "It's fine, it's just veggies." Obviously, I wouldn't know if the veggies were cut on a gluten-free cutting board, and also why would I want veggies when I know there's gonna be some delicious, decadent looking dessert that I know is just made with a ton of flour...So my dish is in the fridge. Still debating.

Here it is: See Recipe Below

1 Package Gluten Free Pasta 8-16 oz (Bow-tie or Fallfalle)
1 Bottle Italien Salad dressing 16oz.
1 - 2 Sweet Peppers Chopped
2 Cups Chopped Chicken
Cook pasta according to package.  Sautee sweet peppers with cooked chicken. (I also added frozen peas this time)  Transfer cooked pasta, peppers, and chicken to a large bowl.  Add bottle of salad dressing and toss to coat evenly.  Refrigerate 8 hours or overnight. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Alice In Wonderland Swallowed A Pill, and it Didn't Do Her Any Good!

So today I find myself at a bit of a crossroad. I'm supposed to have a capsule endoscopy. I don't want it! I guess you're not supposed to admit that you've given up, but I'm just too exhausted to give a shit anymore.

I'm not really sure why I have to do it either. It didn't sound as though there was any value in doing this latest procedure except that it seems to be one of the few left that I haven't done. It sounded fairly easy at first, basically just swallow a pill (camera), wear some device around your waist for 8 hours while you go about your day and then turn in the device in the evening. Doesn't sound painful or invasive, so less reluctantly than usual, I agreed. A woman named Mayra called two weeks later to set up the appointment. She was nice but she informed me there was a prep. It's basically the same as a colonoscopy prep but with over the counter meds. What?! Okay, two agenda items: 1) Colonoscopy - please never say that word to me. I'm trying to forget mine, enough said. 2) Fasting with self induced diahrrea - this is the exact opposite of what I am trying to accomplish health wise. I already have these symptoms and I'm actually paying a ton of cash in copays and percriptions in an effort to get these symptoms to stop. Now I'm gonna do it to myself?

So, decision making time. Do I cancel or show up. I have two weeks to weigh my options. This ones not so easy for me. I hate going through all these procedures and lab tests. I know they're going to hurt and/or waste my time, but ultimately I suck it up and do it because I think, maybe at the end of this one there will be some sort of relief. Well, fast forward to today, there is never any comfort or relief. Just a bill from Scripps at the end of a billing cycle.

And on that note, I will leave you with a recipe for gluten free comfort food. Just kidding, gluten free food sucks - have a glass of wine and enjoy.

Until next time!